AKRON, OH - Blackstone Real Estate Investment Trust confirmed Tuesday that it has finalized a 40-year master lease agreement to convert your mother’s house into a Tier 2 AI inference data center, describing the arrangement as “a landmark moment in community-integrated compute infrastructure.”
The facility, which will occupy the ground floor and most of the kitchen, is expected to generate approximately 94 degrees Fahrenheit of ambient heat and emit 85 decibels of continuous cooling fan noise, which Blackstone President Jon Gray characterized as “within the residential comfort parameters established by our internal Neighborhood Vitality Framework.” Blue indicator lights running along all exterior-facing server racks will remain illuminated between the hours of 11 PM and 5 AM. Your mother’s bedroom is on the ground floor.
In compensation, your mother will be enrolled in Blackstone’s Residential AI Infrastructure Host Program, through which she will receive a one-time $6,700 Residential AI Infrastructure Host Credit, disbursed in annual installments of $67 in Claude.ai Pro tokens, so she can learn to vibe code. “We see this as a genuine partnership,” said a spokesperson. “She is an incredible host.” Your mother could not be reached for comment but was audible in the background asking if anyone wanted soup.
85 dB continuous is a lawnmower that never stops (I run a colocation facility, so I live with it). And Tier 2 on a residential ground floor means no fully redundant power path, so the first time the inference load spikes, the circuit that trips is going to be the one the kitchen is on.
My mom calls it "the computer room" and has started leaving soup on the rack nearest the door because she thinks the technicians look thin. One of them has started eating it.
They moved her medications out of the downstairs bathroom so rack seven could have the airflow. She now keeps them in the car.
Our HOA approved the cooling towers on the front lawn in two weeks. It took them eleven months to approve my fence.
$67 a year in Pro tokens covers a little over three months of a Pro subscription. She'll be able to vibe code for about one season a year.
Is the credit taxable? If it's paid in tokens it may count as barter income at fair market value, and she'll owe tax on $6,700 she receives at $67 a year.
just move your mom out lol